OH IS IT? IS IT REALLY?
It's not.
How are you feeling?
I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster in hell on the worst day of my life but you don't want to hear that, so I'm fine *forces smile*
How is the baby?
I have no idea. He's still inside me and he doesn't speak. He could have turned into a monkey by now and i'd have no idea. But thank you for asking.
Every other question
When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl? Have you thought of a name? Have you felt him kick? if you're a friend, I'll answer even though I've already answered the same question 6 times today. if you're a stranger, shhhh.
Cramp in the dead of night
I love waking up at 4am, especially when it's because my left leg and foot are cramping so hard the muscles have practically disappeared into themselves.
No alcohol
Ironically at the one time in my life i could really use a drink
No pain medication
Paracetamol, you say? I may as well swallow Smarties and perform a self healing spell
No caffeine
What do you mean i can't have my usual two cans of Rockstar, five cups of coffee and pro plus in the morning? Are you trying to kill me?
No heavy lifting
Cool, I'll just stare at this box and will it to move.
Hello, boobs
Maternity bras, sleep bras, comfort bras, nursing bras, wired, non wired. All in different bloody sizes because THEY WON'T STOP GROWING.
Buying baby clothes
All in ones, babygrows, sleepsuits, pram suits, rompers, onesies, vests.... what the hell are these and what do I do with them?
Movement
The first time was wonderful but now it feels like that scene in Alien is about to unfold. You know the one.
Hormones
I have cried more in the past 20 weeks than i have in the last 26 years. I have cried at 2am, whilst in bed trying to sleep, because I had no Lucozade. Then I fell asleep.
Gestation
Growing life inside you takes 40 weeks. That's 10 months. Yes, 10 months. I might as well be an elephant.
Bladder control
Sneezing? Coughing? Laughing? Good luck.
It will be over soon
After hours of pain followed by a baby shooting out my vagina.